I forgive, I forgive, I forgive

I am making an effort that every time I remember something again that causes pain that I  will attempt to forgive that person in some way, instead of just stuffing it and attempting to go on.   So here’s my list and then I will attempt to elaborate on what I am forgiving them for.

The pediatrician

The counselor

My aunt and uncle

My mother’s daughter in law

My mother

My mother’s S.O.

My brothers


The group leader at the crisis center

My oldest daughter

My former husband

My soon to be former husband

I have been feeling tired; sometimes I find myself wishing that I had terminal illness that I could just check out and go.  There’s a finality in that, and somehow it would be less painful I think to deal with the end of my life than to keep hoping that something better is going to happen.  In my heart, my purpose has always been FAMILY FIRST, but now I feel like families belong to God and I am not always sure what my purpose and role are in relation to my family.  Old hurts tend to resurface, causing pain on top of the acute pains I’m already trying to deal with.  And it’s really frustrating when people take the silent amendment, and never really say it like it is.  First  of all, I want to forgive my brothers and sisters who had it really hard growing up, and always acted jealous of me, or competed with me, or ignored me.  But that’s childhood stuff; but in trying to share my own experiences with any of them, they never validated my feelings or experiences and that still goes, at least with my sister.  But I forgive her for that, cause she has her own issues to deal with, and I would never want to trade places with her.  I don’t really know any human beings that try to encourage me to be my best.    I haven’t had time for friends since high school.  I pray for blessings upon my sister with all she’s been through, that she can somehow find some peace and happiness with what she’s doing now, and that her children will bless her. 

I forgive the doctor who was rude and crude toward myself and my children.

I forgive my oldest daughter for not helping me in the way I thought she should, and thank her for doing the best she could.

I forgive the therapist who has allowed me to become apathetic about this whole ordeal. 

I forgive the leader at the crisis group for not advocating for me in court, lord knows she has her hands full.

I forgive my former husband for not working for ten years, and for giving up on us.  I forgive him for looking at other women, and forgetting to hold my hand, or kiss me, or anything.  I forgive him for saying he would kick our daughter out if she didn’t have an abortion back then, and for not wanting any more children.  I forgive him for not being routine enough with the help with these kids.  I forgive him for not thinking better of himself that he could do something really creative and great.

I forgive my daughter for getting that abortion, and for almost agreeing to have the baby and adopt it out to someone else.  I forgive myself for not taking a stronger stance back then to all of them. 

I forgive my mother for trying to farm me out to her Lanlord.  I forgive my mother for not coming to my graduation.  I forgive my mother for not thinking that I could do something great, and helping to guide me in a direction to go.

I forgive my soon to be ex husband; lord knows he endured a hellish childhood, and so did his siblings; I pray for them all. 

I forgive my aunt and uncle for not helping us when they could have, for not helping my daughter or my mother when they could have.  Guess they will take their money to their grave.

I forgive my adopted cousin for thinking so highly of herself, she has no sense of humility, everything has always been handed to her.  I forgive her for what she’s about to do, take the family albums.  

Did I say that I forgive Darlene for taking my mother’s dresses, the week after she died, and parading around in them.  I now forgive her also for taking my mother’s sewing machine.

I forgive my soon to be ex-husband for taking advantage of me so severely and manipulatively that I didn’t even know it was going on until it was too late. 

I am not ready to forgive myself for allowing all this to happen.  My next list will be about all the things I am thankful for.  I am going to pull in the reigns of my expectations.  Forgiveness will be ongoing.

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Victim Mentality

I always try to say I’m a survivor, and I am. But sometimes the system continues to victimize me, and I feel like I have no rights. The less I say, the safer I’ll be. Kids are in treatment, but the system denies that anything ever happened. The system is an illusion of protection. I have found a new church; after praying that God will lead us to the right one. The church we went to for six months was one of those mega churches; I talked to maybe two people the whole time I was there. It was good for studying, but not good for fellowship, which means communication. In order to walk the walk, we all need people to fellowship with, to encourage and convict us when we need it.
We go to church to worship God, which can be done anywhere through prayer. To worship with others is important, too. But others are an important part of our armor of God, of the Holy Spirit. We need close relationships with others.

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Surviving Domestic Abuse and Violence by the Grace of God

If I had not been called by the Lord, I might still be in it.  I might be dead. But by the grace of God he saved my life, and saved my spirit.  I am still recovering, and try to take each day and live it with joy.  I can’t tell my whole story yet because it could be detrimental to pending legal proceedings; I am going through divorce-he is divorcing me.  That’s okay, I don’t want to be with him.  I pray for him, it’s part of learning to forgive.  My sin, which is pure selfishness, is what got me into this mess in the first place.  I think now that it is easier to forgive him than myself.  I was so blind and in tremendous denial, which is what allowed all this to happen.  No one deserves to be abused; but, I didn’t have on my armor of the holy spirit and was vulnerable to the abuse.  I was independant, and most of all, I did not have a personal relationship with the Lord as I do now.  I didn’t know what that meant.  I was baptized as a child and very active in the church; but they did not teach personal relationships with Jesus.  As I got older I drifted away from church as a result of participation in Freemasonry, which teaches that good works are the way to salvation and they DO worship Lucifer covertly.  But that’s a whole other subject.  I now know that there is no way to earn salvation, and without Jesus Christ in my life, actively, participating in all my words and actions, I am either dead or the living dead.  Things that have helped me the most are daily prayer, sometimes constantly; having others help me to pray; learning from Joyce Meyers; Jon Courson, David Rosales, reading commentaries about the book of Job and how no one understood his pain.  I have been seeking a new home church because we were going to a large Mega Church and hardly any opportunities to fellowship.  I recently learned that fellowship means communication and sharing.   I liked the church I was at because the bible was taught verse by verse, but I can do that online.  I can say that I have read most of the bible, but have not lived it and am trying now to be a blessing to others.

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