Domestic Violence Survivors: He slid that one in on me

The retelling of my story feels sometimes fragmented; I try to retell what seems to be foremost on my mind, so it’s not sequential.  When I first moved in with him, it was not too long after that, maybe 2mos. that a woman appeared at the front door.  I came down the hallway, he had already answered the door.  I saw her, then walked back down the hall.  He got mad at me for walking away; I didn’t understand it at the time.  He told me that she was a former girlfriend that he had gone out with; that was the first story.  But then she started calling and leaving messages, would he like to come to (name witheld) 12th birthday party?  I asked him about this, and he stated that she had a daughter who referred to him as “uncle.”  He stated he didn’t have any reason to go.  He told me he had met her when he was 19; that she had lived across the street from his mom and always came to visit him.  She was 13 years older than him.  She had a military past of some sort, and had been married several times.  He said that they had never married.  She had 2 sons from previous marriages.  He told me that she hired an attorney in texas and had adopted her son out; later on I found the paperwork that it was 50,000 she received.  But what I didn’t know then and found out later when I was cleaning out the shed was that they had been married, and he had gone to texas with her.  I also found the divorce papers in the shed.  Not too long after that, she sent him paperwork for paternity testing, which proved postive for the 12 yr. old child that had been calling him uncle.  She took him to court and got a child support award, and back child support, as well as medical coverage for her.  SO, he made less money than I did at the time, and most of his wages went to pay for support and medical for her, plus medical for him, and medical for our 3 kids.  My wages went for everything else during that time;  it was about six years.  And I worked my butt off at work and at home.  But I was in shock and denial.  And I couldn’t pay my own bills because of his.  I would get paid and he would tell me how much he needed.  It didn’t leave me with hardly anything.  And I had to shop at a liquidator store for food all the time, you know, one of those dented cans places.  Yet, he had his credit cards, and was charging the hell out of them.  We had two refrigerators in that little bitty kitchen, he bought the new one stating in case the old one went out.  And he bought a trash compactor so he wouldn’t have to take out the trash everyday.  And we had a washer and dryer, and one of them started to go on the fritz; instead of getting it repaired, he bought a brand new set- one of those H2 jobs.  And I had the diamond ring, 2.5ct., and he bought two sets of diamond earrings and a tennis bracelet.  I AM NOT A JEWELRY PERSON.  And I trusted him, and thought everything was under control.  We were supposed to get a house down the line, then the child support happened.  We were just managing to get by, but I didn’t know it at that time because he was very effective in keeping me out of the finances.  One time I asked him how come he needed so much money from me, so he did write down the bills he was paying at that time; I noticed he was making double payments on the credit cards, and asked him why.  He told me it was none of my business.  I was also paying out the nose for nursery care for the kids so I could work.  At first, we worked opposite shifts and days, not always, but most of the time, so the nursery time was offset.  But then he applied for a promotion working the same shifts as me, and the nursery bill skyrocketed to 62.oo per day.  When I could no longer afford this, I changed shifts and got another job closer to home. (During this time the sexual abuse had already started).  But little did I know that my new place of work was in trouble, and being sued, and lost to the tune of 2 million dollars for wrongful death lawsuit.  I didn’t want to be a part of their crumbling infrastructure and was afraid to lose my own license, so I found another job, but it was another long commute.  I stayed there for over a year, then management changes began to happen, and people’s lives were in danger.  I tried to work with management, but it was a family affair, with the boss’s daughter running the show.  And also, I was so stressed out at home.  The transmission had gone out in the car; again, instead of having it repaired, he went out and got a new car, not one suitable for kids-it had light colored suede upholstery and the payments were over 500.00 per month.  SO, I had him go with me to take it back; he said we couldn’t get the other one fixed right away, so I picked out a vehicle on sale, with washable leather seats, and lower monthly payments.  He claimed that it was my fault the tranny went out of the car, but it had a lot of miles on it; I was putting about 80 miles a day round trip to work.  AND, when I was out of work, he threatened me that he wouldn’t help me and that they were going to come and get it, and that he wouldn’t pay for the storage unit (THAT’S ANOTHER CHAPTER).  Well, about 4 mos. later he did get the other car fixed.  And, anyway, I couldn’t fit all three kids in the back of that car with car seats, or even with one booster seat and two car seats.  So I guess it was meant to be at that time.  He had his king cab truck, all paid for with my wages during the time that he had been paying child support.  AND, he told the court that day that he didn’t care to have any visitation rights, and waived them.  The year before I left, his mother had gotten a call from her son that she had adopted out, wanting to know where she was.  But, back to that money thing.  We had separate accounts, so I had to get a separate check from my account each payday made payable to him.  And one time, I got the amount wrong that he needed, and the kids were in the car; he started yelling at me until I was in tears; then ripped up the check and threw it all over the floorboard.

About mercy4women

Christian mother, survivor of domestic abuse and violence by the grace of God
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